Cad"s Urban and Suburban survival guide
1: Swamp grass is a poor substitute for cabbage.
2: Dead Buzzards taste worse than they smell. ( much worse )
3:Take care to thoroughly pluck your poodle before eating, the fuzzy hair will make you sneeze all your stew out of the bowl. ( Trust me, a lap full of hot sneezy soup hurts )
4: When collecting gophers for soup, make veary sure they are dead before stuffing them down your pants, due to the lack of pockets in the tatterd raggs you call clothes.
5: 500 skunks do not a mattress make!! Racoons work marginaly better, provided you can keep them togeather long enough to lie on them.
6: When asked by a police officer to come out from under your bridge, " stick it in your ear jackass " is not an appropriate rebuttal.
7: Cardboard boxes and rain don't mix, they mix better if you cover the outside with sewn together animal skins. Be sure however that you remove all collers and dog licenses from the afore mentiond skins to avoid legal troubles.
8: Snakes could care less that " You mean them no harm"
9: If something is running at you, run away. If something is running away, chase it down.
( This does not apply to bears, Hairy Women, and Great Crested Grass Weasels. If these run from you it is only because they are laying an ambush, or cutting off your escape.
10: Midgets are short but awfuly strong, never attempt to wrestle an apple core away from a hungry midget.
11: Strapping box turtles to your feet does not give you instant floaty shoes.
12: simply living under a bridge does not make you a troll, and does not give you the right to jump out in front of joggers, and ask them riddles. ( Should a jogger take offence at your riddle" why did the fat dum dum cross the bridge at six in the morning, stuffing mud up your nose works well to stop the bleeding.
2: Dead Buzzards taste worse than they smell. ( much worse )
3:Take care to thoroughly pluck your poodle before eating, the fuzzy hair will make you sneeze all your stew out of the bowl. ( Trust me, a lap full of hot sneezy soup hurts )
4: When collecting gophers for soup, make veary sure they are dead before stuffing them down your pants, due to the lack of pockets in the tatterd raggs you call clothes.
5: 500 skunks do not a mattress make!! Racoons work marginaly better, provided you can keep them togeather long enough to lie on them.
6: When asked by a police officer to come out from under your bridge, " stick it in your ear jackass " is not an appropriate rebuttal.
7: Cardboard boxes and rain don't mix, they mix better if you cover the outside with sewn together animal skins. Be sure however that you remove all collers and dog licenses from the afore mentiond skins to avoid legal troubles.
8: Snakes could care less that " You mean them no harm"
9: If something is running at you, run away. If something is running away, chase it down.
( This does not apply to bears, Hairy Women, and Great Crested Grass Weasels. If these run from you it is only because they are laying an ambush, or cutting off your escape.
10: Midgets are short but awfuly strong, never attempt to wrestle an apple core away from a hungry midget.
11: Strapping box turtles to your feet does not give you instant floaty shoes.
12: simply living under a bridge does not make you a troll, and does not give you the right to jump out in front of joggers, and ask them riddles. ( Should a jogger take offence at your riddle" why did the fat dum dum cross the bridge at six in the morning, stuffing mud up your nose works well to stop the bleeding.
posted by Cad Grublygold at 7:48 PM
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