The Raccoon Insanity Experiment.

While sitting beside the creek one night, my attention was drawn to a small raccoon. The creature wattled down to the water and began happily washing his nights scrounging with great relish. Ever curious, I had an idea. What would happen if a raccoon was unable to wash something? Would he starve? Would he go mad? I was determined to find out. Trapping a raccoon is easy if you’ve read Were The Red Fern Grows, if you haven’t, well you are out of luck. Once caught, I starved my little test subject for three days, all the wile teasing him by waving tasty treats under his nose. Then it was time for the experiment. I placed the raccoon in a large wooden box next to a recording of running water, just to irritate him. Then I placed into the box, the biggest juiciest apple you’ve ever seen. Now all that was left was to stand back and watch. The starving beast upon seeing the apple let out a squeak of pure joy. He snatched it in both hands, then made a dash for the sound of the water barreling head long into the side of the box. No doubt thinking he had made a misjudgment in the waters direction, he then spun about and repeated his head plant. This is when he first realized there may be a problem. Setting the apple warily down in the center of his enclosure he began to urgently run the perimeter of the box, all the wile casting longing glances back at his prize. Now fully aware of his predicament, he held the apple up to the sky as if begging the gods for rain. With no help forthcoming he began furiously rubbing the apple as if by will alone he could wash away its impurities. But after much rubbing along with frantic sniffing the thing was still sub par. 100,000,000 years of evolution proving too strong to over come. The rubbing was followed by other experiments, includeing urinating on it, and even attempting to wash it clean with his own anguished tears. Defeated at last the beast collapsed with a howl and lay shaking on the floor of his prison. It was now time for phase two. Upon awakening, the raccoon found that one side of his box was now open. A scream burst forth, and the maddened thing tore like a streak to the waters edge. But alas, I had removed the apple while he lay in his exhausted stupor. Finding his tinny fist empty at the waters edge he shrieked and beat the ground. Tearing back to the box, he found the apple waiting for him, as plump and juicy as ever. With his most precious cargo in hand he again launched like a streak for the stream, but oops the once open box side was now closed. The raccoon was aghast, stupefied, the sound that burst forth from deep down in his soul was that of a thousand demons from hell, the scream of ten thousand fathers viewing the butchered bodies of their ten thousand children. In one last ditch effort the raccoon smashed the apple into his face repeatedly until he had rendered himself senseless. Over come with pity I gently placed the poor wasted varmit at the waters edge, hoping he could recover from his torture with no lasting scars. The apple having been beaten into an inedible pulp I discarded into the creek were it soon sank below the water.

If I had had another apple I swear I’d have given it to him, I did feel bad….honest I did. But I was fresh out of apples, and this proved tragic. Finally as if from deep sleep the raccoon awoke. For a brief moment he seemed to be of sound mind. But sadly this was not so. He rose from the ground. and sauntered into the water, I could have sworn he was smiling. Slowly he washed himself, scrubbing all his hard to reach places. Then after a satisfactory sniff, he proceeded to eat himself, tail upwards until with the last of his strength he dislocated his jaws, and stuffed his head in.

This experiment has left me slightly unnerved. I wouldn’t recommend it for school age children.