10 Reasons why Tooth brushes are better than newts for brushing your theeth

Cad Grublygold the VVVVXXXXIIIXXXIIIIVVVVVXXIII will answer the burning question every homeless bridge dweller has asked, which is better for brushing your teeth, Newts, or tooth brushes. I have found after much trial and error that tooth brushes are indeed better, and have compiled a list to prove it.

10 reasons why tooth brushes are better than Newts .

1: Tooth brushes have bristles, newts do not. Tooth brush bristles don't try to bite your tongue.

2: Tooth brushes have rigid handles, newts are floppy.

3: Tooth brushes do not turn your tongue purple.

4: Tooth brushes leve your mouth fresh, newts leve your mouth smelling like newt, a favorite food of racoons. ( Ever been french kissed by a racoon in the middle of the night )

5: A tooth brush will sit were you put it until needed, newts make a mad dash for freedom while you are busy flossing.

6: Tooth brushes are not violently allergic to minty toothpaste.

7: Tooth brushes do not mistake your tonsils for grasshoppers, and attempt to eat them.

8: You do not have to chase a tooth brush into traffic so you can finish brushing.

9: A misplaced tooth brush will stay misplaced, and not end up in bed with you.

10: By now it should be obvious, tooth brushes are simply superior to newts when it comes to personal hygiene. Trouble is, I don't have one. Hmm..... toads mabey, wonder if they would work better........

500 Skunks does not a mattress make.

Being of the great Grublygold line, Iam used to sleeping in the very lap of luxury. However due to circumstances that were very much in my control, but not deemed important at the time , I ended up living under a bridge. I have genraly coped well with this. But late one evening I was awoken with a sharp pain in my left buttock. Obviously some errant rock or tree root had chosen to creep under me during the night. I tossed and turned this way and that, but to no avail. The only effect my thrashings had, was to knock loose several bats from their perch, thus adding to the genral mayhem. Later, wile nursing several bat bites, I came to a sudden realization. I needed a mattress.
Monetarily a store bought one was out of the question, so I decided to improvise. The first thing I had to do was collect as menny burlap baggs as possible. then I sewed them all together to make one big bag, six feet by six feet. Then it was time to fill it. the vicinity of the G st. bridge is home to thousands of rodents, the most plentiful being skunks, due to a lack of preditation. Now you may not know this, but skunks love eggs. Mention eggs around a skunk, and soon his snout will start to twich with anticipation. So I simply tossed a dozen or so eggs in the large bag I'd made, and lay in a nearby bush to wait. The minuets ticked by, then I heard it, a quiet rustling, followed by the sound of stampeding skunk feet. They soon broke from the brush, hundreds of them in a head long dash to be the first to reach the eggs. At once the bag was full of snarling fighting skunks all vying for an egg. while they were preoccupied I simply walked up and baggie tied the oppening, instant mattress. The sun went down in a cloudless sky, and soon it was time to test my new bed. My first try however ended in failure, sencing my weight, the occupantsof my mattress magically split to both sides, causing me to land flat on my back. Three further attempts met with the same result. Finaly with one last flying leap I managed to subdue enough skunks under me to make a comfortable resting place. I awoke to a strange sensation, my matress was on the move. I sat bolt upright, and was slapped accross the face by a large branch. My mattress was indeed moving, infact it was sprinting, and I soon relized the cause. Old Ms Blumbottom whose house stood on the bluff above the bridge was cooking eggs for breakfast, and the occupants of my mattress had caught the sent!!! Up the hill hurtled my matress, baring me along unwillingly. How unfortunate it was that Ms Blumbottom stepped from her house to retrive her paper as we crested the hill. The onrushing mattress swept the startled lady off her feet, barely slowing it's mad rush. Into the kitchen we flew, crashing to a hault aginst the large oak table on wich the breakfast was laid out, the impact split the seams of my mattress spilling all five hundred frenzied skunks across the floor. After this things become fuzzy in my mind, but I do know that in the chaos surrounding the event, most of the town of Merced lost power, and I recived a personal death threat from the Governor himself, along with a fine beyond the value of my life. If you hear not from me in the next few days, I am wisely keeping a low profile.

Cad"s Urban and Suburban survival guide

1: Swamp grass is a poor substitute for cabbage.

2: Dead Buzzards taste worse than they smell. ( much worse )

3:Take care to thoroughly pluck your poodle before eating, the fuzzy hair will make you sneeze all your stew out of the bowl. ( Trust me, a lap full of hot sneezy soup hurts )

4: When collecting gophers for soup, make veary sure they are dead before stuffing them down your pants, due to the lack of pockets in the tatterd raggs you call clothes.

5: 500 skunks do not a mattress make!! Racoons work marginaly better, provided you can keep them togeather long enough to lie on them.

6: When asked by a police officer to come out from under your bridge, " stick it in your ear jackass " is not an appropriate rebuttal.

7: Cardboard boxes and rain don't mix, they mix better if you cover the outside with sewn together animal skins. Be sure however that you remove all collers and dog licenses from the afore mentiond skins to avoid legal troubles.

8: Snakes could care less that " You mean them no harm"

9: If something is running at you, run away. If something is running away, chase it down.
( This does not apply to bears, Hairy Women, and Great Crested Grass Weasels. If these run from you it is only because they are laying an ambush, or cutting off your escape.

10: Midgets are short but awfuly strong, never attempt to wrestle an apple core away from a hungry midget.

11: Strapping box turtles to your feet does not give you instant floaty shoes.

12: simply living under a bridge does not make you a troll, and does not give you the right to jump out in front of joggers, and ask them riddles. ( Should a jogger take offence at your riddle" why did the fat dum dum cross the bridge at six in the morning, stuffing mud up your nose works well to stop the bleeding.

Good day gents.

Good day gents, I am Cad Grublygold.