Places to Avoid in Merced.

Merced is a small town, but it’s an important one, located on one of the two main highways into Yosemite, it sees huge numbers of tourists every year. Due to the extremely high casualty rate, I feel compelled to compose a list of places to avoid should you ever find you’re self there. ( In Merced that is, not Yosemite……pay attention )

Ahem…cough cough…PLACES TO AVOID IN MERCED!!!

The Gst. Bridge: This is where I live, and I hate visitors. Should you visit god help you. If I’m not drunk, I’m strung out on something. And if I’m not drunk or strung out then god really help you because that’s when I get mean.

The Mst. Bridge: This is where the Mimes live…..burrrr….gives me the willies it does. Matter of fact, it’s best to avoid all the bridges in Merced.

Bear Creek: Aside from being home to the feared Grass Weasel, the creek has become so polluted over the years that you could catch a virus just by looking at a photo of it. The creek is not hard to avoid, the smell attracts great flocks of buzzards that circle above as though it was a rotting moose carcass. The smell once got so bad during the summer months, that a pack of hyenas migrated all the way from Africa to get in on the action.

The Evil Place: Located off of Olive Ave on the eastern edge of town, this place is so scary, that you can only approach it while wearing a welding mask to block out the sight and prevent insanity. Over the years I have been building up my immunity to the place, and can now get to within a block of it with a bandana over my face.

The Wrong Side of the Tracks: Trust me you’ll know if you have crossed over. And my advice, cross back quickly. The wrong side is a fascinating look at the great melting pot that is America. See, over on the Wrong Side it goes like this. The Blacks hate the Mexicans, and the Asians hate everybody. The Mexicans hate the Asians, but not half as bad as they hate the Rednecks. The Rednecks don’t care for anybody, but would shoot a Black over a Mexican. Asians and Blacks like hunting Rednecks but only if there are no Mexicans around. Mexicans hide from the Rednecks they hate for fear of attracting the attention of the Asians who will hunt Mexicans for sport if the Rednecks are all off looking for the Blacks who are sneaking up behind the Mexicans who are hiding from the Rednecks Who are being stalked by Asians. ( are you with me so far?......good )

Asians don’t obey traffic signals as they are too short to see over the tops of their steering wheels. Blacks obey them and will shoot at anybody who does not. Rednecks want to obey them but are too drunk to do so and therefore tend to get shot at a lot. The Blacks though don’t stand a chance of hitting anything because the shitty old cars that the Mexicans drive produce so much smoke that seeing is not an option. Mexicans use their smoke screens to try to ram the Asians who are trying to spot the Rednecks who are drunkenly rear ending the Blacks who have stopped at the red lights to shoot in to the smoke clouds in the hopes of killing Rednecks.

So you see, the Wrong Side of the Tracks is a great place to steer clear of.

Really come to think of it, just stay the hell away from the whole bloody town. With the highest unemployment rate in the country, and a Bum to working man ratio of 15 to 1, the place should rank somewhere below Owl shit, and used Kleenex on your things to see list.