Ten Reasons Why Bowties Are Better Than Bats.

Recently the Chief of police in Merced got married; I of course was over looked when they sent out invitations. In fact the Chief has a restraining order against me. But despite this little inconvenience I was determined to pay my respects and attend. By cashing in assorted recyclables, and selling some supposed gold that I had supposedly mined from Bear Creek to some kids who were to dumb to know better, I managed to scrape together enough to rent a tux for the event. There was just one problem, my cash ran out before I could get a bowtie. Now a tux with out a bowtie is a huge fashion fux pas, so instead of a bowtie I used a bat. A sleeping bat looks an awful lot like a bowtie, but this proved to be a bad idea.

Ten Reasons Why Bowties Are Better Than Bats For Formal Occasions.

1: Bowties stay in one place. Bats are rather fidgety. A bow tie will not crabby crawl across the front of your shirt while you are talking to the Mayors wife.

2: Other bats are not attracted to bowties. Bad news having a love sick bat swooping around your head trying to have its way with your bowtie during the ceremony.

3: Bowties are silent. Bats tend to squeak at just the wrong moments…….

…….Do you Mary….( screeek) ………take Chief …..( Sreeeeeee!!!!!!!) To be your lawfully wedded……( skrrrrrrrik?) ……….(heads turn to look at you)

4: Bowties do not mistake black olives for June bugs and snap them up off other people’s plates.

5: Bowties are not known to carry rabies.

6: Bowties are not opposed to bright lights, a bowtie will not make a sudden dive for the comforting darkness of Mrs. Blum’s ample cleavage.

7: Cologne will not cause a bowtie to break out into violent sneezing fits. You may not think that a bat could sneeze very loudly, but trust me during that moment of dead silence following the “If there is any reason why these two should not be wed” line, a bat sneeze is deafening.

8: White doves, and bats are mortal enemies, I never knew this until a flock of doves were released as the bride and groom kissed. My bowtie bat launched it’s self from my shirt front, and into the dove flock like a black missile. The resulting carnage left three dead doves, and the shocked bride blood spattered.

9: You do not have to pay a huge fine for wearing a bowtie with out a permit.

10: Wearing a bowtie to a wedding does not usually result in you being sent to prison by a furious Police Chief.