Eight Rules For Swimming In Bear Creek.

With summer time fast approaching and temperatures soaring into the triple digits, the temptation to swim in Bear Creek becomes very great indeed.

Sadly however, this temptation often leads to death. Weather you drown instantly in the murky polluted waters. Or linger on to die days later of some horrible disease related to the murky polluted water is not important. The simple fact remains that with out some basic guide lines, you should never go within two city blocks of this horrific place. Sadly though these simple rules are often ignored, and every summer, the mounting death toll adds the stench of rotting children and tourists to the already overpowering smell of one of the nations most polluted water ways. I doubt very much that anyone will heed these simple rules, but hey just for the hell of it here they are again.

The first and most important rule for swimming in Bear Creek is….FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T DO IT!!!!! NEVER SWIM HERE!!!

The second rule is to always wear the proper protective devices. In the case of Bear Creek, your wardrobe should include:
A full suit of armor to protect against puncture wounds inflicted by hypodermic needles of which there are plenty.
A life jacket rated for 1,000 pounds or above to keep your head above the torrid waters while wearing a full suit of armor.
A gun, 45 caliber or above for your personal protection while swimming in bum/ mime infested waters.

The third rule is to always swim with a buddy. Your buddy should be a third degree black belt in some nasty pain causing form of martial arts. And should also have a current medical license in case of an accident.

Rule Four. Always notify someone of your intention to swim in Bear Creek. This notification list should include the National Guard, and your local Suicide Hot Line.
(Maybe they can talk you out of your madness before you need the Guard called out to save you)

Rule Five. If you have followed rule # 2 you will be swimming with a large gun. Rule five is to always and I mean always shoot anything that moves in Bear Creek while you are in the water. Nothing good lives in this place, if something is swimming towards you, it wants to kill you. If something is swimming away from you, it wants to get its buddies so they can all kill you. So just shoot like hell, swim, and keep shooting like hell until you are at least 100 feet away from the water if you sense any movement what so ever.

Rule Six. Don’t drink the friggin water. Drinking Bear Creek water causes instant violent pain, coma, and death in 100% of all cases of ingestion.

Rule Seven. Consider setting up a safe swim area using 50 gage steel mesh to close off a perimeter, then dump in 85 pounds of iodine tablets for water purification.

Rule Eight. Have a good time. Although swimming in Bear Creek almost always results in death, it doesn’t have to, by simply following these few safety tips, Bear Creek can be enjoyed time and again by all people young and old.