Well Done To All

Very good all, poor Fopworth did indeed fall madly in love with a statue. However Flint, it was not the Talking Bear of which you speak. It was a garden statue of Gretchen Fink, the town of Merced’s first librarian.

This story may to some seem rather far fetched, so I have been doing research into this phenomena and I have found much to my surprise that this was not an isolated incident. Infact it is not at all uncommon to fall madly in love with a statuette. Here are some true incidents that I have gathered from various well known news sources.

On June 3^rd 1935 the Cleveland Herald reports that Pintsized Penny, a well known side show midget was found dead in her tent of an apparent suicide after the plaster Garden Gnome with which she had been having a steamy affair was stepped on by Bonzo the elephant.

April 5^th 1956 the Boston Globe ran a story about a night club singer who was crushed to death soon after marrying a seven foot tall marble replica of Michael Angelo’s David. It seems the wedding night bliss was cut drastically short when the singer attempted to mount the statue, causing it to tip over on top of her.

And finely in 1993 the Weed Patch Daily reports that Jeb Winkler carved a statue of his wife out of an old oak stump as an anniversary gift to her. In a bizarre turn of events however Jeb ended up falling deeply in love with the statue of his wife he had carved. His real wife became enraged and one night burned the stump to the ground. Jeb, heart broken killed his wife with a pair of hay tongs, then took his own life by jumping down a well.

Despite these instances however I still find it hard to believe that one could become passionately involved with an inanimate object. I have discussed this at length with Jenny, my inflatable companion who shares my bed every night under my bridge. Jenny agrees with me that this sort of thing is all rather silly.