Random Questions For An Inbred Redneck

There is an ongoing column on this blog called Random Questions For Grublygold, however due to the trouble I have in finding someone willing to come and interview me, I have decided to go out and interview others. So with out further ado I give you…..

Random Questions For an Inbred Redneck.

Cad: Who did you vote for in the last election and why?

Clem: Uhh lessee I votered fer dat guy what wear’s dat big ol hat.

Cad: You mean Bush? He wears a cowboy hat now an then.

Clem: Naw dat tall feller what freed them slaves an such.

Cad: Lincoln?

Clem: Yeah eyeup.

Cad: Errr Lincoln wasn’t on the ballot, fact is he died like a hundred years ago.

Clem: That so…………dern shame……….good feller that one.

Cad: Rrright…….so next Question. If a square is three, and a circle is eight, then how much would two squares time’s six circles come out to?

Clem: forty eight.

Cad: Well I’ll be damed. Ok next question, if an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then what does an orange do?

Clem: Turns yaw into a dang sissy, my mama bless her never raised me an my fifty nine brothers on no oranges, no sir, it was apples or nothin, only you big fer your britches city folk eat them sticky orange thingers.

Cad: What’s the difference between a comet and a meteor?

Clem: Dang if I know, but one er tuh other dun kilt my best milkin cow yonder in the barn bout a week back I reckon. She were just a standing there when all tuh once it, this big ol rock comes whooshing down an laid her out flat like.

Cad: Wow, probably a meteor, a comet would have flattened half of California had one of those hit your cow.

Clem:Well which ever one of them thingy’s it was it chaps my craw to loose old bertha like that.

Cad: yeah I’ll bet. Ok here’s one you might know. If a small rifle is a twenty two caliber, and a larger rifle is a forty five caliber, then what caliber is a shotgun?

Clem: Shotgun?

Cad: Sorry, what caliber is a scatter gun?

Clem: Ah, one o them scatter guns, I likes them guns, I kin git me a passel o quail wit me ol scatter gun I kin. I runned me offt a passel o boys what come a callin on Mary Lou wit me old gun to I did.

Cad: Yeah but what caliber is it?

Clem: Now them squirrels is tricky little varmints, I swear they kin smell a scatter gun a comin, cuz just as soon as you pull the thing out of your ruck sack, them squirrels done light a shuck.

Cad: What caliber dang it!! Just pick a number you old bumpkin.

Clem: Errrr eight.

Cad: Hah, wrong you stupid dirt farmer, shotguns are un calibrated.

Clem: Hey now just back yer hoss up there feller, who you callin a dirt farmer.

Cad: Sorry, last question. Suppose one of these days you saw me sneaking out of your daughters window, how long would it take you to load your scatter gun, un chain your hound, and launch an effective pursuit?

Clem: Eh, what’s that now?

Cad: long enough for me to reach the river you think?

Clem: Well I’ll be a pickled possum, just who’s window are ya sneaking outa!!! Boy yer about ta find out how many!!!

At this point I wisely ended my interview and ran for it. Or as you redneck folk say, I lit one hell of a shuck strait for the Mississip.