How To Avoid Offending Bridge Dwellers.

The first step towards not offending bridge dwellers is to not call them bridge dwellers. We hate that. I do, but that’s because I am one, and it is there for acceptable. This is akin to black people being able to use the (N) word two dozen times in one sentence, then turn around and justifiably shoot the first non black who dares to utter it. If you must refer to a bridge dweller, call them Subterranean Habitat Specialists.

Never ask a bridge dweller where he goes if the river floods. Bridge dwellers are generally afraid of open spaces and having to come out from under their bridges during flood season places great strain on them. There for it is a bad idea to remind them of this yearly trauma.

Never call a bridge dweller a bum, hobo, homeless person, or tramp. Bridge dwellers are just that, normal………. semi normal people who find bridge residence to be a matter of preference. There is a great distinction between them and other street persons. Bums live on sidewalks and under bus benches. Hobos live in shanty towns by railroad tracks. Homeless people live in government shelters and Red Cross tents. And Tramps live in small rural parks and down by the banks of rivers. Mixing them up is a sure way to offend someone, and perhaps get ankle bit by an offendee.

Do not stand on a bridge known to be inhabited and throw coins off into the water. This is horribly irritating. All bridge dwellers, after much pacing ultimately go and dive for it. Even if it is only a penny. I can’t explain this behavior, but it is perhaps the thought of that shiny little coin just a waiting there on the river bottom which compels us to go fetch it. Do this enough times, and once the bridge resident has collected all that you have thrown, he will kill you.

And ……NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF HOLY GOD!!! THE FUCKING TROLL FROM
THE THREE BILLY GOATS GRUFF, DOES NOT LIVE UNDER MY BRIDGE WITH ME YOU FUCKING SNIDE ASS PUNK THINK YOU’RE FUNNY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do not ask bridge dwellers questions. They tend to be extremely secretive. Often all a bridge dweller has down in the dark recesses is his little secrets. If while peering under a dark bridge, you hear soft, faint giggling, it is probably that of a bridge dweller, and you should slowly back away.

I am an exception to this rule, and I often allow my self to be interviewed. This is simply because I have not been living under a bridge very long

Only by following these simple steps can you ensure a peaceful co existence with your bridge dwelling Subterranean Habitat Specialists. This is important, for an offended bridge dweller spells trouble. Remember, down in the dark moist grottos of our bridges all we do is think………..and plot…………tee hee………….hee………….