Care Not Cash

A recent Bay Area ballot initiative has me worried, the plan is called, Care not Cash. It would seem that some bureaucratic asshole has decided that instead of just handing out tax payer dollars to the homeless, so that they can blow it all in a one night orgy of sex and booze. The money instead will be given in the form of housing and food etc. To the uninformed this may seem like a good plan…..WRONG!!!!!!!!............ As a homeless man I tell you that this plan is the worst idea ever!! And I will tell you why.

1: Homless people do not want housing, nor do we want hot meals and beds. The fact that we live in parks and eat out of garbage cans speaks for it’s self. Hell any old moron can go get a job and buy a house, but it takes strong will and cunning to survive in the urban jungle, and we homeless love this challenge, that’s why we live like we do.

Forcing the homeless off the streets and into shelters is like forcing the fierce Apache Indians to live on reservations as farmers, it’s wrong and cruel.

2: We homeless are a solitary breed, slinking about on the edge of humanity. Fiercely territorial we will fight to the death to insure our solidarity. By pushing the homeless off the streets and into small shelters, the tensions would build alarmingly. Simply put, you can’t stuff one hundred mountain lions into one cadge, the carnage would be awful. So to with the homeless, if we are forced to eat and sleep together, the consequences will be severe.

3: Stopping the cash flow to the homeless would force us to find other methods of income. Can recycling until now has been used only as a supplemental means of acquiring income, but with the cessation of all other funds, we homeless would be forced to ramp up our recycling efforts one hundred fold. Just imagine the chaos that would be caused by desperate homeless people running about, snatching half empty sodas out of people’s hands, and breaking into houses to rummage through cupboards looking for CA. redemption cracker boxes. And of course let us not forget panhandling. Until now, panhandling has been regarded among the homeless as more sport than a reliable source of booze money, we take great pleasure from standing in public places smelling like one of Andre the Giants sweat socks on a hot day. We revel in the looks of fear that pass across pretty faces as we stretch forth our foul hands for change. Much laughter is had at the expense of all those who go to hilarious lengths to avoid us.

But take away our primary income, force us to use panhandling as that primary source, and we will stop laughing. REMEMBER THIS ALL YOU URBANITES. We homeless are usually tanked out of our minds on wonder drugs like PCP, this gives us super human strength. We do not have to ask meekly for spare change, we do not have to cast our eyes down and mumble incoherently hoping for pity……oh no……we do not have to do this at all……………..WE COULD KILL YOU AND TAKE THE FUCKING CHANGE!!!!!

Never forget that.

The money that the federal government gives us every month is not aid, it is a bribe. It is pacification money, it is money paid so that we will continue living on the fringe of the civilized world, far from the clean houses and sunny faced little children. And trust me this is exactly where you would want us to be. However there are some who forget this, and they in their stupidity may doom you all.

I urge you all to write your Congress man, and VOTE NO on Care Not Cash!!

Just let us collect our damn money and we will leve you alone…………..