My Happy Easter

My Happy Easter: By Cad Grublygold.

6:00Am. Woke at the crack of dawn and nursed my hangover by polishing off the last forty of Gila monster Beer.

7:00 Staggered to the park to collect hidden eggs for breakfast.

7:30 Found to my disgust that the eggs were plastic, tossed them into the creek, picked up my fishing rod and headed to the awning of the Denny’s out door patio to (catch) a school of pancakes that happened to swim by below.

9:00 Walked back to the park to watch the little kids look for all the nonexistent eggs. Immensely enjoyed all the crying.

10:00 Attended church at the Biker Church of the Wrathful God. Sat politely and watched the hundred plus biker gang church goers pray, then stood up and loudly proclaimed that Easter really was a Pagan holiday, and they were all fools to think it had anything to do with the resurrection of Christ.

10:30 Ran like hell.

11:00 Crawled out of the dumpster I was hiding in. Beat the snot out of, and robbed the Easter Bunny on his way to the mall to pass out candy.

12:00 Used the stolen money to buy copious amounts of alcohol. Hopped down Main Street in the Easter Bunny costume, reeking of whisky, chasing and hurling candy at terrified little children while yelling “ hey you fucking little shits!! Have some god dammed candy……Take it you basterds or I’ll gnaw your fucking little legs off!!!!!!!”

1:00pm. Evaded a mob of police and irate parents by hiding in a dog kennel.

1:15 Forgot to take bunny costume off and was ripped to shreds by a pack of hungry Rotwilers.

2:00 Crawled to the creek to pack mud in my many wounds, passed out from blood loss.

6:00 Woke up feeling somewhat better and returned to the Church for evening mass.

6:30. Repeated my above statements loudly, while making devil signs for emphasis.

6:35 Attempted to run like hell but hampered by my earlier run-in with dog pack, was captured and beat down like a little bitch.

9:00 Awoke in alley behind church, and limped groggily back to my bridge thankful that another Easter had come and gone.