Hello my friends, I have returned after a regrettable absence. To long I’m afraid I have neglected you, my most loyal followers. So where you ask have I been? Mayhaps I turned the miserable existence that passed as a life around? Did I return triumphantly to LA and retake my Bank Executive throne?
Nope, not hardly. I remain now and I’m afraid until the end of my days where you first found me. In the depressing little town of Merced, under a smelly bridge by the vile polluted flow of muck that passes for a creek in this patch of the world.
It has been over six months since I last posted, and for this I do believe I owe you all an explanation.
So here it is.
The Top Ten Reasons I Have Not Posted In Over Six Months.
10: Having lived under ground so long, I awoke one morning to discover that I had become a potato.
Potato’s are by nature very suspicious, and in this I was no exception. Every time I thought it safe to leave the fetal position, I would spy a crafty little Irish man with a spade looking to dig me up and boil me.
Even now I can’t bring my self to approach the local bar Maloney’s. As this is an Irish name.
9: I decided one morning to write an article about jogging for the local paper, The Merced Sun Star. In order to live up to my high literary standards however, I did not feel that I could write a proper jogging article unless I wrote it while actually jogging at the same time. At the first bend in the path however I was so engaged in my article that I missed the turn and plowed head first into a tree. My face impacted into the keyboard and damaged it fatally. The doctor at the hospital spent seven hours attempting to remove the Space Bar from my left nostril.
8: The afore mentioned incident knocked all the keys off my computer key board, so in order to type anything I had to guess at where all the letters were and therefore could produce only gibberish .
And if you tell me I should have just relabeled all the keys as I found them on the blank keyboard then you can just shut the hell up!! I never thought of it until it was too late. I shoved what remained of my computer down the fangy maw of an attacking Grass Weasel to save my own life.
7: Umm, I shoved what remained of my computer down the maw of an attacking Grass Weasel to save my own life.
6: One day some asshole snidely remarked that blogging was old school, and that My Space was were the action was. While scrolling through the my space world I met a girl. She seemed nice enough, and I swear to god she claimed to be 18. I was not aware that playing nude Patty Cake with a four year old was a crime, but the police said it was…………… Prison is quite a place, remind me to tell you all about it some time.
5: Drugs do strange things to a man, like make them believe that their Jesus, and in order to ascend back to heaven they must clime the tallest building in town and jump off while wearing a white bead sheet toga.
You know what sucks about being in a full body cast? If your nads itch, (and they always do) asking a cute young nurse to scratch them for you with a coat hanger causes you to have boiling antiseptic thrown in your face.
4: One day I decided to see what being blind was like, so I tied a bandana around my eyes and made the knot super duper tight to discourage peeking. I found that being blind is really hazardous to ones health if one is not used to it. Long story short, I tied the blasted bandana so tight that I couldn’t get it off. After three weeks of blundering randomly about I finally managed to get hold of a pair of scissors and cut some eyeholes in the thing. I still can’t untie the knots or get the thing off my head, but wearing a red bandana with eyeholes kinda makes me look like Raphael from the Ninja Turtles so I guess it’s cool.
3: Inspired by the musical pioneer who decided to write the longest classical piece in history, a momentous work of art which is scheduled to last 26 thousand years. ( A true story ) I decided to write the longest blogg post in history. I held down the P key until my laptop exploded in my face.
( This took thirty six days, seven hours, fifty nine minutes, and eight seconds.)
On the whole not bad for a single post. To bad it will never be read, as the post died with my hard drive.
2: The computer store considered it unethical to sell me a new laptop after what I did to the other two.
I’m sure the insurance company had a hand in this, I guess they took a big hit from the full coverage policy’s I took out on them.
1: The world exploded……… At least for me it did. One night I mixed a bottle of Mescal with a can of gasoline and a bottle of hydrogen, drank it down, shoved a fire ant up my nose, then calmly lit a cigarette.
All that really matters though is that I’m back. And baring any unforeseeable events, and I can’t rule that out. I hope to stay back with you my dear readers for along time to come.
Faithfully Yours.
Cad
Nope, not hardly. I remain now and I’m afraid until the end of my days where you first found me. In the depressing little town of Merced, under a smelly bridge by the vile polluted flow of muck that passes for a creek in this patch of the world.
It has been over six months since I last posted, and for this I do believe I owe you all an explanation.
So here it is.
The Top Ten Reasons I Have Not Posted In Over Six Months.
10: Having lived under ground so long, I awoke one morning to discover that I had become a potato.
Potato’s are by nature very suspicious, and in this I was no exception. Every time I thought it safe to leave the fetal position, I would spy a crafty little Irish man with a spade looking to dig me up and boil me.
Even now I can’t bring my self to approach the local bar Maloney’s. As this is an Irish name.
9: I decided one morning to write an article about jogging for the local paper, The Merced Sun Star. In order to live up to my high literary standards however, I did not feel that I could write a proper jogging article unless I wrote it while actually jogging at the same time. At the first bend in the path however I was so engaged in my article that I missed the turn and plowed head first into a tree. My face impacted into the keyboard and damaged it fatally. The doctor at the hospital spent seven hours attempting to remove the Space Bar from my left nostril.
8: The afore mentioned incident knocked all the keys off my computer key board, so in order to type anything I had to guess at where all the letters were and therefore could produce only gibberish .
And if you tell me I should have just relabeled all the keys as I found them on the blank keyboard then you can just shut the hell up!! I never thought of it until it was too late. I shoved what remained of my computer down the fangy maw of an attacking Grass Weasel to save my own life.
7: Umm, I shoved what remained of my computer down the maw of an attacking Grass Weasel to save my own life.
6: One day some asshole snidely remarked that blogging was old school, and that My Space was were the action was. While scrolling through the my space world I met a girl. She seemed nice enough, and I swear to god she claimed to be 18. I was not aware that playing nude Patty Cake with a four year old was a crime, but the police said it was…………… Prison is quite a place, remind me to tell you all about it some time.
5: Drugs do strange things to a man, like make them believe that their Jesus, and in order to ascend back to heaven they must clime the tallest building in town and jump off while wearing a white bead sheet toga.
You know what sucks about being in a full body cast? If your nads itch, (and they always do) asking a cute young nurse to scratch them for you with a coat hanger causes you to have boiling antiseptic thrown in your face.
4: One day I decided to see what being blind was like, so I tied a bandana around my eyes and made the knot super duper tight to discourage peeking. I found that being blind is really hazardous to ones health if one is not used to it. Long story short, I tied the blasted bandana so tight that I couldn’t get it off. After three weeks of blundering randomly about I finally managed to get hold of a pair of scissors and cut some eyeholes in the thing. I still can’t untie the knots or get the thing off my head, but wearing a red bandana with eyeholes kinda makes me look like Raphael from the Ninja Turtles so I guess it’s cool.
3: Inspired by the musical pioneer who decided to write the longest classical piece in history, a momentous work of art which is scheduled to last 26 thousand years. ( A true story ) I decided to write the longest blogg post in history. I held down the P key until my laptop exploded in my face.
( This took thirty six days, seven hours, fifty nine minutes, and eight seconds.)
On the whole not bad for a single post. To bad it will never be read, as the post died with my hard drive.
2: The computer store considered it unethical to sell me a new laptop after what I did to the other two.
I’m sure the insurance company had a hand in this, I guess they took a big hit from the full coverage policy’s I took out on them.
1: The world exploded……… At least for me it did. One night I mixed a bottle of Mescal with a can of gasoline and a bottle of hydrogen, drank it down, shoved a fire ant up my nose, then calmly lit a cigarette.
All that really matters though is that I’m back. And baring any unforeseeable events, and I can’t rule that out. I hope to stay back with you my dear readers for along time to come.
Faithfully Yours.
Cad
posted by Cad Grublygold at 3:08 PM
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