Mavericks the battle for everlasting glory.

The water temperature at Mavericks falls somewhere between a Penguins scrotum, and a Narwhal’s nose. But I wisely anticipated this and dove head first into a vat of Paraffin Wax before embarking on my adventure.
What I had not anticipated though were the horrendous riptides which prowl around the bay like a pack of demented vacuums, alternately sucking you out to sea, and blowing you head first into one or more of the craggy selection of rocks which dot this chaotic patch of ocean. After taking one or two on the chin however I managed to locate one of these run-amuck vacuums which had made up it’s mind to head strait out to sea.
Having survived the currents, and for now avoided the sharks, the only thing left to do was sit apprehensively in the line up and wait for my wave. I realized I had only one shot at this, so I had better wait for the mother of all to take my place in history. I bobbed around in the break like a scraggly paraffin cork, while down in the black deep Poseidon waited for me to turn my back on him.
I awoke with a salty snort, and realized I had dozed off…….. Something was different. The water around me had grown darker. So had the sky for that matter. Maybe rhe sun had gone behind a cloud. Hmmm…..I looked up……..no that wasn’t it, the sky was clear. Now a good sized breeze had sprung up at my back, odd. And what was that strange noise I was hearing? Kind of a slurpy roar, like a freight train being swallowed by a tornado. I calmly looked behind me, and into the eyes of a startled porpoise, but not just any porpoise, this was a flying porpoise. Why he had to be at least eighty feet up……..wait a minuet……porpoises can’t fly, so he must be swimming, but how could he be swimming at roughly the cruising altitude of a jetliner?……………yep……that’s weird all right………….wait………..why is the horizon rushing to meet me??…………………OH *#@&**@#%*!!!!!!!!

What I felt at this moment is hard to put into words, but I will try my best.
Imagine an English man is having tea out side at a trendy little café, when quite unexpectedly a brick lands in his cup. He would no doubt be vexed by this. Now imagine that he looks up to see that the rest of the building will shortly be joining him as well. If you can picture this, then you will know how I felt when an eighty foot wave landed on my head. I had no chance of riding this beast. You can only ride something that’s coming at you or going away from you, if it’s landing on you you’re kind of screwed.
The force of the water drove my face through the flimsy plywood of my makeshift board, driving splinters further up my nostrils than any booger had ever dared to go. Then pushed me deep to the bottom. So deep in fact that I met the fucking crab from The Little Mermaid down there. For two hundred yards my face was scrubbed across the abrasive sand of the sea floor as the massive wave above whisked me along., until my unpleasant ride was halted by a vicious head first encounter with Sail Rock, the largest and craggiest in the bone yard. This impact would no doubt have killed me, but in an odd twist of fate, my head connected not with hard rock, but with the soft underbelly of a Great White Shark who had unluckily chosen that precise moment to dart in for the kill. The impact polaxed him on the spot, and I then had only to grab on to his fin, and ride the monster’s belly up body to the surface like an Argo naught riding a big toothy balloon.
Once on the surface I made an immediate dash for the beach, arms and legs churning the sea into froth, closely matched by a gnashing hoard of the dead sharks friends. It was touch and go for a bit but at last I made the beach and ran to the wondrous safety of the jetty. So engrossed with my triumph over all the sea could through at me, it was fully ten minuets before I noticed the girl standing there watching me. On seeing her I wished that I had not been so boastful of my deeds to the little band of Hermit Crabs who had scuttled out onto the rocks at my approach. Then looking down I wished that I had managed to keep my swim trunks. But then with a start I realized that my nudity didn’t matter! I had just ridden a wave the size of Texas!! The pleasures of any woman were now mine for the taking!! Slowly with a rakish grin I turned and faced her. “Did you see that” I asked “yes” she replied, “that was really something” “I just rode a wave the size of Texas” I said. “Now you must make instant sandy love to me on this very beach.”
“Had you indeed ridden a wave the size of Texas” she replied, “I would gladly have done just that. However, you did not ride a wave of this size, you were asleep and one just happened to land on you.” This statement took a bit to sink in, then I was outraged!! “I DID TOO RIDE IT” I screamed, “I had that thing in the palm of my rough manly hand” She looked at me smugly, the wind blowing through her wispy blond hair. “Having a wave sneak up and land on you is not the same as riding one, I’m afraid that the only thing you’ll have in the palm of your hand tonight is that which god gave you, such as it is. “However” she added hopefully, there is still some daylight left, perhaps you might paddle out and try to catch another.”
Briefly I considered doing just that, though it would shurly end as a messy form of suicide. In the end however I simply stood there in the fading light watching her walk away across the jetty while an impish Hermit Crab tweaked my exposed testicles.

After every misadventure I swear I’ll never set foot from under my bridge again, but this time I really mean it. I’m happy here in the deep shadows of my G.St. bunker. If ever you, my faithful readers should need me this is were I will be. And after all is said and done, I was landed on by a wave the size of Texas, few people can say that.