Monday, February 13, 2006

GREAT BLUNDERS IN SPACE SCIENCE

Just what in the hell was NASA thinking when they sent a monkey into space? Can you imagine what would have happened if he had been picked up by a passing alien craft. The only logical answer would be for them to believe that the monkey was Earth’s master race, and that shamelessly scratching ones buttocks and flinging poo were traits that the inhabitants of this planet deemed as acceptable behavior. In the tense and oftentimes dangerous world of inter galactic politics I should hope that we could do better than a monkey as a potential candidate for ambassadorship.

In the 1960’s we set foot on the moon, a remarkable feat to be sure. But leaving behind a commemorative plaque and flag is just asking for trouble. We do not own the moon, touching something is not grounds for declaring ownership, I cannot simply stroll down the street planting flags and plaques on peoples lawns and expect it to go uncontested. ( I know this because I got drunk one night and tried it.) Maybe the moon is free land, and maybe it’s not, but before we go sticking flags into things I think more research should be in order. If years from now the Human race finds it’s self dragged before judge Blork in the intergalactic high court, don’t for get I told you so.

Not to long ago we fired a missile at an asteroid. WHY?? To all the scientists who say we can unravel the mysteries of the universe by studying asteroid dust I say BULLSHIT, you assholes just wanted to see if you could hit one. Well you did, you happy now? Oh sure you say that the effects on it’s trajectory are negligible, but two thousand years from now when the thing wanders three millionths of a degree off course, glances off another asteroid it would otherwise have missed, then wipes out 99 percent of life on earth we all will know who to thank.

The biggest blunder by far, was the Voyager space craft. I hardly know were to begin on this one.
Voyager was designed to make a leisurely stroll through our solar system, then use the gravitational field of Saturn to slingshot into the vast reaches of space. I must first question the wisdom of this, I am strongly of the belief that our continued existence on this planet is due in large part to the simple fact that nothing has noticed us yet. Blasting probes at people is a good way to get un noticed in a hurry.
On board the Voyager is a picture of a small dark skinned man holding up a large white baby. Lets think what an alien race could decipher from this.

A: Kidnapping babies is considered a sport on this planet.
B: The male spices on this planet is capable of giving birth.
C: Hey aliens!! Look at this nice fat baby, want it? Well come an get it.
D: The males on this planet are all dark skinned dwarfs, and the females all look like fat white babies.

Along with this rather odd photo, the space craft also contains a taped greeting in six different languages.
I can see it now, “Hey Splork, can you understand what the hell their saying?” “Umm nope.”
“Ok how bout now?” “Not a clue.” “Well how about this then?” “HEY I’ll be dammed! That’s French.”
Call me a pessimist but I really doubt that sending a greeting in different languages is going to make much of a difference. We should have sent a message in Binary code that said please don’t kill us, our planet is rather small and uninteresting, hardly worth the trouble of crossing the voids of space to wipe us out.

My last and by far the biggest problem I have with the Voyager mission, is that the space craft is powered by Plutonium, the most deadly substance on earth!! One spoon full of this stuff would be more than enough to wipe out the population of a large city for the next billion years. And we just sent some poor unsuspecting race of aliens enough of it to kill every living thing on their planet. What is the first thing an alien race is going to do upon discovering our little craft?? They are going to dismantle it, and when they do………..What the hell NASA?? And god forbid the aliens should realize ahead of time what we’ve sent them. It’s an open declaration of war if I’ve ever heard one.

So by all means NASA, reach for the stars, but for Christ’s sake use a little common sense, or the stars may just reach for you.

3 Comments:

Blogger Latigo Flint said...

To be sure, your savage intellect is a force to be reckoned with Cad Grublygold. (I'm pretty sure it was a specifically a comet we recently bonked a probe into--but everything else is spot on Sir.)

February 14, 2006 at 1:15 AM  
Blogger h said...

Also the fools put in a detailed map showing exactly where to find us!

Sure there is a possibility that the first aliens it encounters will be the peace loving hippy types but sods law states that it is far more likely to be the "mmm... these humans look tasty, fancy eating out tonight?" variety.

Even worse they put in a diagram of a sample of our DNA in there so they will even be able to work out what we taste like!!! Hell they might as well have put in cooking instruction and advice on which wine works best in there too.

What the hell were they thinking?!?! It has the 1970's written all over it!

February 15, 2006 at 7:21 AM  
Blogger Cad Grublygold said...

I stand corected Flint, it was indeed a comet.

Well said Hen, I was not aware of the map, they are even more the fools then I thought.

February 15, 2006 at 2:22 PM  

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